Jared Dominic Lacsamana Arnesto
April 16, 2008 by glitch0530
There is nothing more painful than losing a child. Nothing. His birth was a celebration, his death numbing grief.
On the twelfth week of my wife’s pregnancy we learned that Jared had a condition. He developed an omphalocele. Incidence was 1 out of 4,000. Survival rate was very slim. Most of the doctors that saw my wife pretty much gave the same prognosis. We were advised to be prepared because anything might happen. We remained hopeful, and in prayer we asked that Jared be okay.
My wife progressed with the pregnancy. With me a quarter-way world away, she was left alone to fend for herself and our son. Her visits to her doctor, her errands to buy stuff for herself… all this she had to do alone.She was even driving up to her last week of pregnancy.When she had the caesarian section 15 March, I didn’t know what to do. I was hungry for updates as to what was going on.It was very, very difficult. The mere thought that she was in pain still leaves me in awe as how she was able to go through it with me so far away. Hearing after some time that both of them was stable brought temporary relief.Two hours after he was born the doctors tucked and closed his omphalocele. For a while they said it was okay,he started experiencing kidney complications shortly after a day while in neonatal intensive care.A dialysis could’ve helped but they couldn’t dialyse because he was too small, much too frail. 17 March around 10:30 pm (Yanbu time), I received a call from my wife. My firstborn did not make it.
My world was shattered.
Nothing mattered, all the preparations were for nothing, there was no shielding from the pain.It was there like hot poison eating away from inside.All that mattered was I should be back in her arms to comfort her, to mourn with her, to share with her this pain and loss.
The two days I spent with him came and passed very quickly.All that time I felt we were cheated, he should’ve lived, we waited for him for so long and for him to be taken away so soon raised a lot of questions in my mind.
The only chance I got to hold him was before we laid him down to rest. The first and last.
The night of his delivery I had so many things going through my head. Visions, possible future incidences that may happen and what I would do about them. Things like: Nappy changes, warming up bottles at the middle of the night, his firsts!And if he were older what would I do if he acted out in public? Tantrums!! Dad and son moments we’d be having. What makes this experience painfully unbearable is that none of those visions will ever come true, not with Jared, not with my son. All the dreams and aspirations we had for him won’t even have a chance. He took them with him to his grave to a sudden finality with no recompense. We tried, we hoped and we prayed. We felt that he was taken from us.
The days that followed I offered myself to serve my wife, keenly observing the changes in her, for she has changed.When she started lactating, it made me angry for a while for my son should’ve been sucking on his mother’s breast, it was for him. It was another chapter of our lives that was denied of us.We could’ve just waited for the lactation to abate, but my wife decided to take Parlodel, for what exact reasons she took them, I could not dare ask.
If there is any good that this experience has taught me and my wife, it is the knowledge of how much I love her and how much she loves me back. It is in knowing how strong we can be if we really need to, like cats that always land on its feet.
He would’ve been a month and a day old today.
Sometimes its very hard to fathom God’s will for us. But often, it is in this circumstance that our trust and faith in Him is also tested. We may not know the exact reason why our little angel was taken away from us, but surely, in God’s mind and heart, this is the best-for Jared and for our family.
I won’t say that there will always be another baby that will come your way. Jared can never be replaced, I know. We may just probably find solace that we already have an angel to watch over you and your next little one/s. A personal guardian that will keep your family safe, more than ever.
I am a witness to how you and Teng survived and surpassed the trials of time. And together, I pray and I know, your love for each other will help you go though with this chapter of your life. ‘love you both.
Keep the Faith!
I am very sorry. When you made a visit in Kansai, I did not hear you telling others what happened to your son. And when I approached Teng, I asked her pa kung kelan sya nanganak. I did not realize or know that you had been in great grief, until my wife told me that she heard the sad story from you. I was terribly sorry to ask Teng about her giving birth. Then I remember you talking about your blogs, and I searched for them. Please tell Teng that I am very sorry to dare ask her that.
I don’t know the actual emotions of having that event in a life, but it is plain to see and understand that it’s a very great loss and one of the lowest points in your life. And I also do not know exactly know how I can be of help to both of you, but I just wish and pray you get going on and be fine as days, months and years progress. We just have to keep our faith in Him and for sure Jared Dominic is playing now in His place. I just can’t tell you my “feel-good” experiences being a new father, for fear of creating a bitter situation on you, but I do hope and pray Teng and you will get through in the soonest possible time.